Today was the first day of school. Well, technically it was yesterday by 35 minutes. I went to my two classes and it was just the same as it always has been. I really understand the people who ascribe themselves to the belief that law school shouldn't be longer than two years, because frankly, I haven't really learned anything this year that I would need to function better as an attorney. On the flip side, I suppose having another year to act like a child, play video games and party like delinquents isn't so bad.
I went back to the gym for the first time in about a month and a half and it was painful. I was only able to lift maybe 70% what I was capable of a month ago. It's sort of sad how quickly my body breaks down muscle. It's bad genetics but I guess all I should really hope for is to stay healthy. I got really sick during my winter break; got a hit of bronchitis along with some strep. Made the first seven days of vacation pretty crummy, but at least I was able to pass the time a little better with all the football on television. Every time I go home, I leave it feeling leaner, stronger and overall healthier. I attribute it to Mom's cooking. Eating processed food, even if it's labeled as being healthy, just isn't the same as eating homemade food. I ended up losing quite a bit of the excess fat that I had built up during the last year or so and my pants fit better. Ha. Ultimately, I think I would rather be lean than built like a truck. It feels nice to fill out your clothes, but I don't think I was blessed with the genes to be built like a fuel efficient truck. Maybe something more like a Dodge Ram. Bleh.
I didn't end up getting my dog. The unique part is that I wasn't surprised. Ever since I was a child, every time I wanted something, something would go wrong. It definitely seemed downright unfair to me as a child, but I think it has made me much more capable of dealing with unforeseen problems. Although I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of my new companion, when I found out I couldn't take him, I accepted it. I haven't suffered any mental anguish over it yet. Certainly, I feel lonely at home without someone to hang with, but it wasn't meant to happen just yet. On that subject, I often have a difficult time spending my evenings and nights alone. I try to ignore it, because I should be happy to be independent. Getting cable television has already yielded a wonderful benefit; there's only so much time I can spend reading books and surfing the net before getting bored. We'll see how this semester goes.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Finals Time
Ugh... I'm really hating life right now. I've got finals in less than three weeks and every time I sit down to study I get in the worst mood. I am so sick of studying and cramming and giving my life to law school. The ends simply don't justify the means. On top of that, I'm having issues with my friends, identity, body image and general direction in life.
I feel like the people I hang out with are nice enough, but I really miss the way I felt when I had a best friend. Someone who always knows what you're up to; someone that wants to hang out with you all the time. I don't necessarily feel like I want to be around the same person all the time, but I feel there's a lack of sincerity when I hang out with my friends. I want to be myself but I can't. Sometimes I don't even know who I am. I feel all sorts of emotions throughout the day that are randomly generated, with no cause and effect. There's just effect. I don't know if it has to do with my obsessive compulsive personality disorder or not, but I constantly feel the push/pull of emotions and I eventually end up feeling strung out by the end of the day, feeling as if I can't breathe. I can't motivate myself to do things; right now I'm sitting on the floor typing this, but before that I was sitting on the floor just gazing blankly around me, with no purpose, no feeling.
I hate my body. I don't know if it's because I don't know how to mold it properly, but I put so much time and discipline in but I am constantly disappointed with how I look in the mirror. I get so frustrated just looking at myself, I get angry, and I want to do drastic things to myself. It's not like I'm a lazy person who never goes to the gym. I go 4-5 times a week and work hard, but I just can't look the way I want to. I can't feel the way I want to. I feel like a fat piece of shit 80% of the time. I wake up feeling like crap and and I go to bed feeling like crap.
Most likely, it's the stress of finals that has me feeling this way. And it'll all go away once I step out of my last final. But at the same time, I have a lot of issues. Unfortunately, I can identify those issues but I can't do anything to positively change anything. I'm always disappointed with myself. I could make this blog private, have it truly be my personal diary, but I don't think anyone would read this but me, and there's something about writing to the unknowing world that is comforting. There's no one listening, but there is an illusion that I'm venting my troubles to an imaginary ear.
I feel like the people I hang out with are nice enough, but I really miss the way I felt when I had a best friend. Someone who always knows what you're up to; someone that wants to hang out with you all the time. I don't necessarily feel like I want to be around the same person all the time, but I feel there's a lack of sincerity when I hang out with my friends. I want to be myself but I can't. Sometimes I don't even know who I am. I feel all sorts of emotions throughout the day that are randomly generated, with no cause and effect. There's just effect. I don't know if it has to do with my obsessive compulsive personality disorder or not, but I constantly feel the push/pull of emotions and I eventually end up feeling strung out by the end of the day, feeling as if I can't breathe. I can't motivate myself to do things; right now I'm sitting on the floor typing this, but before that I was sitting on the floor just gazing blankly around me, with no purpose, no feeling.
I hate my body. I don't know if it's because I don't know how to mold it properly, but I put so much time and discipline in but I am constantly disappointed with how I look in the mirror. I get so frustrated just looking at myself, I get angry, and I want to do drastic things to myself. It's not like I'm a lazy person who never goes to the gym. I go 4-5 times a week and work hard, but I just can't look the way I want to. I can't feel the way I want to. I feel like a fat piece of shit 80% of the time. I wake up feeling like crap and and I go to bed feeling like crap.
Most likely, it's the stress of finals that has me feeling this way. And it'll all go away once I step out of my last final. But at the same time, I have a lot of issues. Unfortunately, I can identify those issues but I can't do anything to positively change anything. I'm always disappointed with myself. I could make this blog private, have it truly be my personal diary, but I don't think anyone would read this but me, and there's something about writing to the unknowing world that is comforting. There's no one listening, but there is an illusion that I'm venting my troubles to an imaginary ear.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
One Down, Three to Go
The Law Skills II trial was Thursday night. I ended up being 20 minutes late to the thing, missing motions in limine and basically having no idea what we stipulated to. In the end though, as the defense, we finished with a hung jury. And that's good enough for us. I actually had a lot of fun doing the whole thing- once I stepped in front of the jury I really didn't feel like I needed any notes or even an outline in my head, what I wanted to say just came out. It made me reconsider whether I should have tried my hand at doing trial advocacy work, but it's a little late to rethink my career path.
I've been having a really lazy day. I went out last night to the gaslamp and had a really good time. I didn't end up going to bed until close to 6 in the morning, which always screws up my schedule. As I'm rereading this post, it's dawned on me that it's really boring. But that's fine, this is for me.
I saw a bunch of people standing outside Horton Plaza yesterday with Ron Paul campaign signs. I vaguely knew that Ron Paul is a Republican candidate but knew nothing about his campaign or his stance on issues. So after waking up this morning I youtubed him and watched clips of him at the presidential debates and also on talk shows such as Bill Maher. He struck me as a very genuine person, very likable despite being a Republican in this race. He was accused by critics of being a Libertarian, and frankly, I agree. I was surprised to find out that he's an MD, and not a lawyer. Perhaps that is why he seems such an easy target to the other candidates, he speaks his mind freely. I like him, I like his stance on tax issues and foreign policy. But, frankly, his chances of getting nominated are nil, and I probably wouldn't be able to live with myself if I voted Republican. I never had a problem with Republicans until the Bush administration came into power, but that's probably because I didn't care about politics as a kid. After watching the latest Democratic presidential debate, I actually think Joe Biden performed well on a lot of the issues. I think that inevitably Hillary is going to secure the nomination, but I haven't really cemented a full opinion of her proposed policies. It's going to get real interesting a year from now...
I've been wanting to see Beowulf since I first saw the trailer for the movie, but there's no one around this weekend who I can go see it with. Right now, I'm debating the merits of going to the movies alone on a Saturday night. I know it's not about self-esteem, but it would just feel a little weird to be in there by myself with couples and families surrounding me. But that's how I felt about eating out alone when I was in college; people teased me all the time because I couldn't go out for dinner without company. But now I eat out by myself all the time, and not just at fast food joints; I go out to nice restaurants and sit myself in a booth and just enjoy the food. I do get a few odd glances from people who are probably wondering whether I got stood up or if I was just a weirdo. Maybe it's time to break down the wall against watching movies by myself... Beowulf, you had better impress me, because if you suck, I am going to be really distraught when I walk out of that theater tonight.
I've been having a really lazy day. I went out last night to the gaslamp and had a really good time. I didn't end up going to bed until close to 6 in the morning, which always screws up my schedule. As I'm rereading this post, it's dawned on me that it's really boring. But that's fine, this is for me.
I saw a bunch of people standing outside Horton Plaza yesterday with Ron Paul campaign signs. I vaguely knew that Ron Paul is a Republican candidate but knew nothing about his campaign or his stance on issues. So after waking up this morning I youtubed him and watched clips of him at the presidential debates and also on talk shows such as Bill Maher. He struck me as a very genuine person, very likable despite being a Republican in this race. He was accused by critics of being a Libertarian, and frankly, I agree. I was surprised to find out that he's an MD, and not a lawyer. Perhaps that is why he seems such an easy target to the other candidates, he speaks his mind freely. I like him, I like his stance on tax issues and foreign policy. But, frankly, his chances of getting nominated are nil, and I probably wouldn't be able to live with myself if I voted Republican. I never had a problem with Republicans until the Bush administration came into power, but that's probably because I didn't care about politics as a kid. After watching the latest Democratic presidential debate, I actually think Joe Biden performed well on a lot of the issues. I think that inevitably Hillary is going to secure the nomination, but I haven't really cemented a full opinion of her proposed policies. It's going to get real interesting a year from now...
I've been wanting to see Beowulf since I first saw the trailer for the movie, but there's no one around this weekend who I can go see it with. Right now, I'm debating the merits of going to the movies alone on a Saturday night. I know it's not about self-esteem, but it would just feel a little weird to be in there by myself with couples and families surrounding me. But that's how I felt about eating out alone when I was in college; people teased me all the time because I couldn't go out for dinner without company. But now I eat out by myself all the time, and not just at fast food joints; I go out to nice restaurants and sit myself in a booth and just enjoy the food. I do get a few odd glances from people who are probably wondering whether I got stood up or if I was just a weirdo. Maybe it's time to break down the wall against watching movies by myself... Beowulf, you had better impress me, because if you suck, I am going to be really distraught when I walk out of that theater tonight.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
My Annoying Week
It hasn't been a fun week so far. I haven't gotten as much sleep as I would have liked to but part of that reason is because I sleep way more than anyone my age should. I don't know why yet, but I just rationalize it in my head as my body needing more rest because of the weights.
I went home this weekend and hung out with my parents. It was a lot of fun; I went to the Cal/USC game and although we lost it was really great to be there with my dad. I think I'm probably in the minority of people who actually "hanging out" in the proverbial sense with their parents. Going home is always a relief for me; and still as exciting at age 24 as it was getting picked up after kindergarten class. Except now, I get to see my mom waiting for me with outstretched arms at the bottom of an escalator instead of outside of a classroom.
The food was amazing; my taste buds have been in a perpetual state of withdrawal since I left for college. It's really very sad to believe that I only get to eat my mother's cooking once every few months. Another sad and unfortunate result of my craving for home cooking is that my mother doesn't get to have the satisfaction of watching me eat a lot of it; it's actually an illusion, because when I sit down at the table and grab my fork (or chopsticks), I inhale the food. I eat so fast, that the quantity doesn't seem to be as much because it goes down so fast. Alas, my poor mother ends up with a shorter period of satisfaction while watching me eat my first home cooked meal in months.
I flew back early Monday morning. Early. But it was alright because I had gotten much needed rest and relaxation over the weekend. But enter the zoo that is law school and all its atrocious needs. I got back to work, and have been filing so much I might as well be digging a hole to China.
I also have a mock trial tomorrow night, and I'm hardly prepared. I'm grateful that my professor gave us so much time to practice, but I keep freaking out because I don't want to get owned by the opposition. Plus, we are still short one witness so I don't know what we're going to do come trial time. I really don't.
I went home this weekend and hung out with my parents. It was a lot of fun; I went to the Cal/USC game and although we lost it was really great to be there with my dad. I think I'm probably in the minority of people who actually "hanging out" in the proverbial sense with their parents. Going home is always a relief for me; and still as exciting at age 24 as it was getting picked up after kindergarten class. Except now, I get to see my mom waiting for me with outstretched arms at the bottom of an escalator instead of outside of a classroom.
The food was amazing; my taste buds have been in a perpetual state of withdrawal since I left for college. It's really very sad to believe that I only get to eat my mother's cooking once every few months. Another sad and unfortunate result of my craving for home cooking is that my mother doesn't get to have the satisfaction of watching me eat a lot of it; it's actually an illusion, because when I sit down at the table and grab my fork (or chopsticks), I inhale the food. I eat so fast, that the quantity doesn't seem to be as much because it goes down so fast. Alas, my poor mother ends up with a shorter period of satisfaction while watching me eat my first home cooked meal in months.
I flew back early Monday morning. Early. But it was alright because I had gotten much needed rest and relaxation over the weekend. But enter the zoo that is law school and all its atrocious needs. I got back to work, and have been filing so much I might as well be digging a hole to China.
I also have a mock trial tomorrow night, and I'm hardly prepared. I'm grateful that my professor gave us so much time to practice, but I keep freaking out because I don't want to get owned by the opposition. Plus, we are still short one witness so I don't know what we're going to do come trial time. I really don't.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Loyalty Among Friends
It seems to me that the older I get, the less I can trust my friends. I don't mean acquaintances or social friends either; I feel like it becomes harder to open your entire life to your closest friends. My guess is that as we grow older and mature, our personal agendas can oftentimes overshadow the needs of those around us. I can see it in myself; the selfless boy who would trek through the midnight streets of Berkeley to deliver a bottle of Nyquil to a sick friend is not likely to make that trek anymore for his friends. Why? Is it because I have become less charitable? Maybe my heart has gone cold. Maybe law school makes us all colder.
A psychologist by the name of Lawrence Kohlberg created a system of moral development. The system is ordered by stages, 1-6, with each ascending stage more morally developed. Apparently high school students are easily associated with stage 3, they tend to support each other with little consideration given to society. Sort of like "I got your back no matter what." Stage 6 would indicate a person's moral reasoning is conducted through the lens of universal ethical principles. I was introduced to this theory in my Lawyering Skills class, and it's something that fascinates me. I wonder where I rank in Kohlberg's scheme?
I saw American Gangster this weekend and it was a thoroughly thrilling and captivating movie. Despite its two and a half hour runtime, I was engrossed in the movie from the opening credits. I actually found myself rooting for the drug lord- was it just appreciation for Denzel Washington's acting or did I actually want to see his character prevail? The movie paints such an organic picture of New York and New Jersey in the 70's that I can hardly believe it's a movie. I don't know what it would have been like to live in New York back then, but it has to be worlds apart from my daily existence.
Mind has gone dry... I'll have to wait for more inspiration to hit before I post again I guess.
A psychologist by the name of Lawrence Kohlberg created a system of moral development. The system is ordered by stages, 1-6, with each ascending stage more morally developed. Apparently high school students are easily associated with stage 3, they tend to support each other with little consideration given to society. Sort of like "I got your back no matter what." Stage 6 would indicate a person's moral reasoning is conducted through the lens of universal ethical principles. I was introduced to this theory in my Lawyering Skills class, and it's something that fascinates me. I wonder where I rank in Kohlberg's scheme?
I saw American Gangster this weekend and it was a thoroughly thrilling and captivating movie. Despite its two and a half hour runtime, I was engrossed in the movie from the opening credits. I actually found myself rooting for the drug lord- was it just appreciation for Denzel Washington's acting or did I actually want to see his character prevail? The movie paints such an organic picture of New York and New Jersey in the 70's that I can hardly believe it's a movie. I don't know what it would have been like to live in New York back then, but it has to be worlds apart from my daily existence.
Mind has gone dry... I'll have to wait for more inspiration to hit before I post again I guess.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
MPRE Studying
It usually takes something really boring to get me inspired enough to do something random like start a blog. That boring something just happened to be studying for the MPRE this weekend. To be honest, the idea of blogging is something that has been festering in my mind for quite some time now. I did blog for a while in college, and re-reading old posts can be both refreshing and horrifying at the same time. It leaves no doubt in my mind that no matter how mature I thought I was at the time, I was still just an 18 year old kid with a chip on his shoulder and a bat to swing with. I'm 24 now. And I think I'm mature too. But in all likelihood I'll look back upon this blog as well and blush a deep red over my inanity in years to come.
The MPRE is a chore. It's not quite like other law school subjects. I've gotten so used to studying rules of law that it seems odd to study an entire body of rules that are basically schoolyard do's and don'ts. Don't buy property from a client. Don't solicit to people who just got into a car crash. Don't squeal on your client. It seems like all you have to do is apply some common sense and yet, there are is a multiplicity of rules that require a twist in logic. It's not always about what is right or wrong.
Today is Halloween. October 31st. The scariest day of the year. But every day has become scary to me. It's just that today I get to dress up in something other than anxiety and worry. I get to cover up my fears of failing out of my last year of law school with a cape. I get to obscure my insecurities about becoming a first year associate underneath a spandex suit. And I get to avoid my concerns about taking the bar by putting on red boots. All around me, classmates and peers are scrambling to find stability for the future. For most, the type of work doesn't even matter- so long as we have a place to call employment, we seem content to stop and count our blessings. To take a breath.
The MPRE is a chore. It's not quite like other law school subjects. I've gotten so used to studying rules of law that it seems odd to study an entire body of rules that are basically schoolyard do's and don'ts. Don't buy property from a client. Don't solicit to people who just got into a car crash. Don't squeal on your client. It seems like all you have to do is apply some common sense and yet, there are is a multiplicity of rules that require a twist in logic. It's not always about what is right or wrong.
Today is Halloween. October 31st. The scariest day of the year. But every day has become scary to me. It's just that today I get to dress up in something other than anxiety and worry. I get to cover up my fears of failing out of my last year of law school with a cape. I get to obscure my insecurities about becoming a first year associate underneath a spandex suit. And I get to avoid my concerns about taking the bar by putting on red boots. All around me, classmates and peers are scrambling to find stability for the future. For most, the type of work doesn't even matter- so long as we have a place to call employment, we seem content to stop and count our blessings. To take a breath.
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