Finals Time

Ugh... I'm really hating life right now. I've got finals in less than three weeks and every time I sit down to study I get in the worst mood. I am so sick of studying and cramming and giving my life to law school. The ends simply don't justify the means. On top of that, I'm having issues with my friends, identity, body image and general direction in life.

I feel like the people I hang out with are nice enough, but I really miss the way I felt when I had a best friend. Someone who always knows what you're up to; someone that wants to hang out with you all the time. I don't necessarily feel like I want to be around the same person all the time, but I feel there's a lack of sincerity when I hang out with my friends. I want to be myself but I can't. Sometimes I don't even know who I am. I feel all sorts of emotions throughout the day that are randomly generated, with no cause and effect. There's just effect. I don't know if it has to do with my obsessive compulsive personality disorder or not, but I constantly feel the push/pull of emotions and I eventually end up feeling strung out by the end of the day, feeling as if I can't breathe. I can't motivate myself to do things; right now I'm sitting on the floor typing this, but before that I was sitting on the floor just gazing blankly around me, with no purpose, no feeling.

I hate my body. I don't know if it's because I don't know how to mold it properly, but I put so much time and discipline in but I am constantly disappointed with how I look in the mirror. I get so frustrated just looking at myself, I get angry, and I want to do drastic things to myself. It's not like I'm a lazy person who never goes to the gym. I go 4-5 times a week and work hard, but I just can't look the way I want to. I can't feel the way I want to. I feel like a fat piece of shit 80% of the time. I wake up feeling like crap and and I go to bed feeling like crap.

Most likely, it's the stress of finals that has me feeling this way. And it'll all go away once I step out of my last final. But at the same time, I have a lot of issues. Unfortunately, I can identify those issues but I can't do anything to positively change anything. I'm always disappointed with myself. I could make this blog private, have it truly be my personal diary, but I don't think anyone would read this but me, and there's something about writing to the unknowing world that is comforting. There's no one listening, but there is an illusion that I'm venting my troubles to an imaginary ear.